So Hi

Hey look man, another post.

Shocking right?

Remember that time I said I'd post daily. I lied. it's whenever I remember to post.

What to say right now...

Emotional turmoil.

I'm at a good place right now, but everything also sucks.

It's like I'm just... stuck.

Yea, that's a good word.

Stuck.

See, Florida is nice. Sunny, warm, fresh. Yea, that's a good word. Fresh.

It's like driving down the freeway and suddenly this NEON SIGN is put right in front of you advertising this fantastic attraction at an exit.

...Bad metaphor.

Florida is OFFERING all these great opportunities and I know I could really love it here if I stopped on the turn-y circle thing of the exit and actually crossed fully into it.

...Better metaphor time. I'm standing on the door jam of an open door.

One foot is on the other side of the door, offering me the ability to go back if I simply turned my hip or took a step back.

But one foot is already across, and is waiting for the other foot to suck it up and cross with it.

Neither foot will move without the other's consent. Thus, stuck.

And I'll tell yo what, being in the middle of a doorway sucks.

The feeling of being simply... stuck. It transends into everything you do. This feeling... of... stuck.

Yes, that's an EMOTION now.

Writing - I feel good about it but at the same time wanna shoot myself IN THE FOOT when I think about it. ANY writing project, even LoM which I ACTUALLY REALLY LIKE.

Drawing - Stuck. Expanding my horizons is just... out of my reach. Despite my desire too. It's an art block of all art blocks.

Friendships - Part of me wonders if this is the real backbone of the stuck thing.

It traces back to the whole, does putting both feet on the transitional doorway... will the door back close?

Will it shut off both ways, my way back or their way forward?

Meaning the whole... transiton from VA to FL.

It's funny, going back to VA while in this phase.

You observe that life moves on. Sure, they miss you, but they are not in this stuck-state. Unlike you.

It's like observing from the outside of a fogged up window, kinda Christmas Carol like, because as you watch, your brain plays what this might've been liked if I hadn't left

And always being the strong one... always the one to assure and put on the strong smile of "'Course, it'll be alright, only 5 weeks, that's not long at all!" the Everything Is Fine Don't Worry, face.

Meanwhile Mental!Emily is shouting "Liar liar liar, maybe for them."

I've come to the conclusion I cannot stay trapped in the doorway. I've got to pick to either step through... and step back and watch from afar.

Which will hurt more though? Watching from afar as life goes on and you cannot join? Or Separating and... continuing on?